today's training was "bitter sweet"

did doubles with ernest

and it was one of those i pushed so much i wanna quit moments

really was going past my max that my arm was about to drop off

and i was breathing so hard i wanted to hyperventilate

"come on!last 30seconds!UP UP UP!!!"

i spam pokka green tea like i used to spam coffee

without my green tea,

i will experience withdrawal symptoms

i am beyond hope

just wednesday, my SHORTEST day

and i drank 3 bottles

OH.MY.GAWD.

do i know what i want?

a simple question

ask a kid and it'll be so innocent and simple

you think to yourself,

why does life have to be so complicated?

i've been running away all this while

knowing is one thing

but actually facing up to the challenge is another

nothing has been as much as an anchor in my entire 17 years

i can't stop lying to myself that it will all work out

and that i still have time,

well i don't

the years will fly by like seconds

and soon, i'll be looking back at 65

reminiscing about the past

i really hope i can look back and smile

and not look back and tear in regret and despair

i need to get my act together

and that means to know what i want

i've been screwing my life over and over again

so much so that i've lost ALL direction and goals

i don't know what i want in life

what i want outta myself

if i were an ice cream flavour

i'll be the most boring one of all

tasteless and dull looking

i need to get my life back

but honestly,

i don't know how

"dreams are miracles;

for they need not be said,

they need not be heard,

and they need not be translated"

- Hear Me, 听说 (2009)

the above quote is not very accurate

but i just write down what i remember

life is getting harder now

and i'm just a student

sometimes i think if i'm cut out for jc

then i think further

and ponder that maybe i'm not cut out for growing up

at this time and age,

i still am not acting like how i should

doing the reckless

and dreaming the impossible

it's time to grow up

and i have to stop daydreaming

and start putting my life into perspective

or i will die trying

with every stroke;

i push harder

with very pull;

i get more aggression

and with every kick;

i surge forward, forward for the team

this past week

was eventful and downright in the middle

bad/negative things happened

as well as shitass awesome shitz

so i guess it balanced out

although scm has finally come to a close

i feel that i have yet to reach a closure

but i will have to soon

as training is picking up in another direction

i've gotta say,the upcoming few months are gonna just zoom by

i really hope i can make it

and that i don't do anything to jeopardize the team's effort

it's FULL STEAM AHEAD BABY!

no way am i going to see the p

i have no idea what i'm doing

i'm freaking screwing up my life

and yes; i like to dig my own grave

-.-

how could you?!

it has to remain exclusive bitch

on a lighter note;

i had TWO mocha iceblended

finally it is over

although i didn't do as bad as some others did

i will say i totally felt the pain and anguish they felt

being a team really has taught me feel so much differently

i feel so connected with them,

it's as though i feel and see the events through their eyes and heart

the pain/regret/sadness/anguish was surging through me

i couldn't even be happy

it was really heart-wrenching

and the fact that i couldn't do anything to make it better

killed me inside

coach said he expected better,

and i knew i could have done better

there is a lot of "what if"s and "if i had"s

i really wanted to make them proud

i never wanna feel this crappy feeling again

i never want any of them to feel this crappy again

we will work hard to not feel this again

because i have faith

our limit is limitless

THIS IS IT BABY

from tears to cheers

fears and nerves

the day has come and i believe

i believe we as a team will get what we all want

cause we'll put in our all

not our best, but our all

because our limit is limitless

spoke to my elder brother

helped me for awhile

but i'm really not strong enough

no one to talk to

SCHOOL IS DISGUSTING

and the above statement is an UNDERstatement

seriously, just kill me now

all the teachers are already telling us that year is gonna whizz by like lightning

and we all gotta put our best foot forward

and just totally work hard like fucked up crazys

but then, how to have starting burst

when i can't even balance?

surprisingly,

i'm quite motivated for GP

guess it's kudos to my ST

let's just see how long it'll last

i'm gonna spend a bomb on awesome stationery

to motivate me to work hard

or at least put in effort

looking forward?

not really

the hectic crazy stressed

scared shitless year

is here and here to stay and torment

at least year 2s don't have to keep changing classrooms

and getting lost

i'm just hoping i'll stay sane