Tuesday, June 17, 2014

HYPERHIDROSIS

It is no secret that I suffer from palmar hyperhidrosis (sweaty palms). But not many people know that I also suffer from plantar hyperhidrosis and also axillary hyperhidrosis. It has been a huge hindrance to me and I would like to share my story.




Growing up in Singapore has been a huge disadvantage, not considering the fact that I’m also heat-intolerant. On a regular day, I can sweat buckets and still feel extremely hot and bothered.

  • Young & Wild
I’ve been having severe hyperhidrosis ever since I can remember. However, when I was younger, it didn’t really bother me. As a kid, being hyperactive and running around is normal. So consequently, perspiring was normal as well. I was also unaware of what it meant to be socially conscious. Sweaty palms just meant I couldn’t hang on as long as I’d like on the monkey bars. Sweaty feet just meant soaked socks or footprints on the playground. It didn’t occur to me that feet could stink because of the sweat.

  • Prepubescent to Puberty
One day, I realised that the underarm portions of my sleeves were damp. I discovered that my armpits sweat too. It can be quite embarrassing when the sweat stains show and I’m still being ignorant about my situation, flailing my arms around like a wild child. Drying my hands on my bottoms was something I do all the time, and by mid-day, I’ll be walking around with severely damp bottoms. Worksheets and exam papers were turned in damp or with dried-up patches.

As I grew more conscious, I will find myself incessantly drying my hands on my school skirt, grabbing the material in a bunch, only to end up with a constant recurrence of sweat and a damp creased skirt. There are things that would be awesome if it constantly regenerates, like my bank account, but not sweat on palms. I also go through shoes like crazy. Tough sturdy shoes end up breaking down from the moisture, and the odour just won’t go away even after multiple washes. White school shoes also end up sporting yellowed sweat stains. How attractive!

Oh, did I mention how sweat will drip down my arm while I’m on the phone with my girlfriends, discussing homework and boys?

  • Graduating into ADULTHOOD
I have reached a stage where I’m just resigned to fate. At home, I just let my feet “bask” in the puddle of sweat. While my hands just sweat and sweat and sweat. I’ll clamp down my arms when I feel a runaway drop of sweat race down my underarm. I mean, what else can I do?

While everyone else is getting more and more comfortable/familiar with being social, or at least pretending to have a hold on all things, here I am still trying to get a handle on my sweat problem. House-visiting or meeting people remain extremely daunting to me.

I could either choose to: 1) remove my socks and ask to visit the bathroom to rinse my feet and hope I don’t sweat puddles in the host’s home. I also pray really hard that the odour outside doesn’t waft in; 2) or I can risk keeping my socks on to absorb the inevitable sweat and pray that my feet don’t smell as bad as I think they do. Whenever I can, I will also make a beeline for any spot in front of a fan or better yet, air-conditioning and try to avoid moving.

I have also started carrying around a hand towel. If you see or have seen a 20-something female consistently fiddling with a towel (as though I have a weird fetish for microfiber), it is/was probably me. I started off being very conscious but then quickly moved on to being unbothered. A damp towel versus a crumpled bottom/dress, which do you think is better?

Footwear is much more challenging. On really bad days, wearing flip flops will result in a puddle (if standing, ie on the MRT or bus) or a trail of sweat (imagine in an empty mall, and me walking with a trail of liquid on the shiny waxed floors coming from my feet). Going to beach? That means wearing flip flops and packing shoes to change into after having fun in the sun.

I have to wear disposable gloves when I want to do crafts or when I’m writing notes. There is also a higher chance of mildew developing on my belongings. Everything I touch has to “dry” before I can put it away. I can’t help strangers take a photo (but with selfies becoming so popular, I guess it’s not a problem anymore?) or hold my friends’ things without having to wipe it down before handing it back. I would say I’ve adjusted well to my situation, but I’ll never be okay with it. Two words: SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS!

  • Now or Never
So, I’ve decided to give surgery another go. What I didn’t mention above was that I went under the knife sometime back (2006 I think?). What I (and my mom) wasn’t aware off was the hidden implications involved. I say hidden because the doctors failed to bring up IMPORTANT side effects till a few hours before I was due in the operating theatre. Also, they brought it up as though it wasn’t a big deal. The hospital I opted for was just out of convenience. I knew it, my family knew it, and it was near to us. So it seemed like a good fit. However, the medical field for hyperhidrosis is not that “popular” in Singapore as I thought it would be, and I found out much later on that the specialisation is uncommon.

After the first failed attempt (failed because it obviously didn’t work), I almost gave up hope because the doctors that the first hospital eventually reached the conclusion that my situation is incurable. But, not before firing blindly on what my actual problem is. A few years after my first surgery, I didn’t get better, instead it got worse. I went back for another round of consultation. The doctors were undoubtedly surprised that my problem persisted, then suggested that the nerves that were cut might have grew and overlapped over time during puberty. Okay, I’ll take that. Then, it got ridiculous. After countless rounds of consulting, I was suspected of suffering from thyroids to being incurable. I was getting frustrated and extremely annoyed.

Doing research on the trusty old Google, it didn’t seem the case for my counterparts in other countries. So, I decided to go ahead and get a second opinion.

I chose Tan Tock Seng Hospital and got a referral from the polyclinic (BTW, the doctor who gave me the referral letter is as dumb and apathetic as a block of wood). Turns out, TTSH is the only government hospital that specialises in hyperhidrosis.

The doctor was really friendly and understanding of my situation. He was slightly shocked that I have had a procedure prior to this, but nonetheless told me what he can do for me. The success rates (hands: 99%, pits: 60%, feet: 33%) were promising and it really instilled a great amount of confidence in the procedure. I really hope that it will turn out well. I know I can’t have everything, and so I will be grateful if my palmar hyperhidrosis can be solved. Pits will be awesome too since I won’t be dripping from under my arms. Feet will be a bonus too, although I’m aware of the lower success rate. At least, I can confidently shake hands and not fear being electrocuted every time I handle power sockets/plugs. Well, you win some you lose some.

If you’ve read till the end, thank you so much for letting me share my story. I hope I didn’t overtly disgust you, and if you also go through similar experiences,  I hope this helps in some way. I will update soon post-surgery. Wish me luck!


#HYPERHIDROSIS #SWEATY PALMS #SWEATY FEET #SWEATY PITS #SWEATY EVERYTHING

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

it's been ages
yet, things haven't really changed
i'm facing the same problems, stress
graves i've dug myself
just really down in the dumps
and simply willing myself to live through it all
i'm so ready to leave this all behind
the life of a student, is tough and impossible
i look forward to figuring out my life
my career and my future
not being stuck here
in the limbo of grades and attending classes
i should be stronger, but i am not

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Day 2 of my 6 week break before my uni starts. And I've been wasting it away by sleeping and eating. I want to get my fitness back on and I'm motivated to do my best. We'll see...

Monday, March 25, 2013

MY SUPER AWESOME 21ST BIRTHDAY



So, I started off by telling my friends and family that I don't plan to celebrate my 21st with an extravagant party and make it a huge deal. I even joked that my parents can save the money they will put aside for the party and give it to me to spend! I also joked to my friends that they should "donate" the money to me so I can go shopping. But ultimately, I just want to spend it simply with my friends on separate occasions, genuinely catching up and having fun. And they all did just that, will elements of surprise and flair!


Thursday, 21.03.2013
  • My SIM gang, Wei Ming, Bryan, Zell and Jia Ling
  • Korean BBQ
  • The cover story: A quick get-together before their exam period
We were all happily eating spamming the awesome meat at the BBQ and having an awesome time.


I then conveniently excused myself to go to the rest room. They took the chance and got the cakes (yes! cakeS! 3 in fact...) and lit up candles.


I exited the restroom a little too soon and WM came over to give the others some time. And because WM gave too much time, when we finally returned to our seats, the rest were busy Instagram-ing my candle-lit cakes.



They sang at the top of their voices (my favourite style!) and we took photos, I made a wish and I blew out the candles. (:


We continued to attack the BBQ till closing time. Initially, we wanted to go to a mac to eat the cakes, but we ended up by the Clarke Quay river and we just talked, joked, laughed and ate cake!




Friday, 22.03.2013, Lunch
  • A.S.H., Afiqa and Suhailah
  • KFC
  • The cover story: Lunch before heading off to work
I was supposed to meet only Susu because she was on the way back from school and then heading to work after, so it's just a quick lunch. Afiqa couldn't make it because she has "tuition". LIES, ALL LIES!


I walked into KFC, seeing the two girls smiling mischievously with SEVEN GORGEOUS HELIUM BALLOONS.


They sang me a birthday song as I approached them, way too obnoxiously (I love obnoxious birthday-song singing!!!) and attracted all the attention of fellow patrons. They brandished their latest evil idea, a birthday card that's cut up into small pieces and I had to piece it together like a puzzle.


They got me a purple, butterfly clasp wallet from Accessorize (love!) and of course, the balloons!


I went so crazy doing the puzzle and also hacked their heads off! THE BEST PART WAS THE BALLOONS, I WAS SO HAPPY I WAS RUNNING AROUND WITH MY BALLOONS!!!


WHEEEEEEEE!



Friday, 22.03.2013, Dinner
  • BB Girl, Lydia
  • Antoinette (Palais Renaissance)
  • The cover story: Just dinner
I left work thinking I was just going to meet Lydia for a simple dinner. But no! I'm finally part of her grand, epic, clue-searching Amazing Race. A cardboard sign with my name and a QR code was stuck to a public railing.


I initially missed it and she had to text me to "keep an eye on the railings". I backtracked and found it. I didn't have a QR scanner so I had to download right there and then. Once it was all done, I scanned the code and got my first clue.


Her little race got me to town, then TopShop @ Knightsbridge, 313 and finally Antoinette.




Her gifts were a black lace dress and nude heeled pumps (picked out by me) and a beautiful stalk of rose.


Dinner was posh and yummy too!!!



Saturday, 23.03.2013, Lunch
  • My family and Jeremy
  • Buffet Town (Raffles City)
  • No cover story
So, after much effort, I got my Mommy and Skinny out of the house and into a cab to bring us to Buffet Town. There, we met my cousin and her boyfriend, and of course, Jeremy! My elder brother came slightly later and my Daddy came after work. The food there was generally alright but the spread was quite impressive. I think it was more important that I got to spend my time with my family, although my two aunts couldn't make it. We laughed, joked and just had a wonderful time!
I also got gifts from my cousin, her boyfriend and my two aunts (passed to by via my cousin).


I got a PURPLE Coach Card Holder/Wallet (dubbed wallet jr.) and ang pows from the 3 ladies.


SO AWESOMEEE. My Mommy offered to get me the traditional gift of jewelry/key, but I turned it down because I don't wear jewelry all that often. My parents are getting me a brand new macbook
anyway! (:


Jeremy (he gets his own portion because he is awesome and I am biased)

He treated me like a Princess for the entire day! (Actually he always treats me like a princess, HEEHEE.) We watched a midnight screening of Snitch (which was kinda awesome and badass). Had lunch at Genki Sushi and did some really Singaporean things there. We walked and spent a lot of the day just talking and making each other laugh. We had pho at Nam Nam which was really yummy as well! His mega-amazing surprise was taking me to go ride the Singapore Flyer!!! We took loads of photos and I gave him loads of hugs and kisses because it was such a sweet and fun surprise!


BUT the single, most awesome birthday gift I got from him during my 21st was the video he put together. He tricked me into thinking that it was just a random video he chanced upon and saved to show me. I plugged in the earphones and pressed play. A black screen appeared and it just seemed so weird and unreal as I read the words. Then he came onto the screen and I just bawled.
Jeremy started this project about a month ago. He contacted as many friends of mine he knew, and got them to help pass on the message. He asked for them to video down their well wishes and sent them to him. He compiled them and created this really touching and super unexpected video collage. Everyone on the video were so lovely and amazing and just filled with so much love and friendship. I was just crying like a baby.

And while I was busy watching the video, Jeremy disappeared and came back with my gift. A gorgeous UKELELE!



I had always wanted one and he gave me just that. I can now sway around in my grass skirt as I strum the ukelele like a true Hawaiian. AWESOME! (: (: (:


All in all, my friends and family and boyfriend are lovely, awesome and just simply amazing! I am so blessed and touched by their thoughts and action. I am truly contented to have such wonderful friends who shower me with so much love and attention. I am honestly the most lucky person! *heart* I love all my friends and my family. BIG BIG LOVE! *heart heart heart*

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.Author Unknown

I've never loved my body enough to take good care of it. All the "care" that I've ever shown my body was by rule and force. I has never been a case of "because I want to be healthy, I shall be". I've never deprived myself of a chocolate bar or a pint of beer. Whatever I crave, I consume. I've never stopped to think about the consequences it will have on my body.

I've never condoned bone-baring skinny, and any eating disorders. I know and have seen people with eating disorders and I feel sorry for them and apologetic. I feel that I'm part of a social movement that aims to irradicate "fatness" and gross standards of beauty and image. I am not perfect-looking but I give mindless comments about how a random stranger looks fat or chubby. I exclaim how I look bloated in a certain outfit, and how I need to go on a diet. All this passing comments may not mean anything to me, but it is unconsciously feeding the movement of "Barbie: Good, Ugly Betty: Bad". I am not proud of it.

I saw myself one day, in the changing room of a store. I saw how badly I've let myself go. An immense wave of regret, guilt, disgust and sadness hit me. It hit home so hard, I couldnt breathe. How could I let myself down like that? I used to have a dancer's physique, and an athlete's strength and endurance. Now, the thought of running scares me. I'm not as flexible I used to be. I'm embarrassed to wear certain clothing because I look bad in them. I'm no longer confident with my image and my body.

I've chosen tasty junk food over a body that's healthy and gives me confidence. I see people on the streets and exclaim that I want to look just like them, but I've never made the effort. Don't I love myself enough to make a little sacrifice and a change in my lifestyle to be happier, healthier and more confident?

I want the abs, I want the cut on my biceps, I want the flexibility, I want the toned thighs, I want the healthy tan, I want the slim firm calves, I want the strength, I want a better me, Hazel 2.0.

It will happen. Slowly, but surely. This is my commitment. I don't want to feel so disgusted with myself.

I want to be clear. I want to be healthy. Not thin and still starving myself. Nor do I want to be overweight and juggling high blood pressure, diabetes and/or high cholesterol. I want my health and a physique to boot. 

I will learn to love myself.

Friday, November 02, 2012

it was so bad, it's the final straw
even my mom said, "how can someone be so dumb?"
and then she concluded that the person responsible of my misery and frustration
is doing all these "dumb acts" to spite me

well you succeeded didn't you?

but at what costs?
to fuck up your probation period?
to make yourself seem dumb?
to reflect badly on yourself?
to be seen as incapable of simple understanding and tasks?
well, if that's the case, so be it

my mom said that it could be because she feels threatened
and by being such a dumbass, it will reflect badly on, as your "teacher"
but then again, the others know my standards and my capabilities
so in the end, you're going to have to catch up
or face the inevitable of being named the dumb fuck who can't do her job

that is all fine by me, by the way
i'll be basking in my glory of awesomeness
while you get shamed and looked down on
i won't be the one staying in the company for long
be scared and worried, that's my heed to you

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

you want to waste your time,
that is your problem.
but don't you fucking dare to waste mine

i may be a temporary staff,
but i'm training you and i have things to teach you
so you better play by my rules

1) efficiency
- don't wait to be asked, deliver before it is needed

2) quality
- slipshod work is not an option

3) thorough
- even if you don't have the materials, get it (somehow) and deliver

4) surpass
- just right is for others, i provide the best

5) finish
- ensure that tasks are handed over and are closed with no loose ends

my goal is to do such a good job
that my presence will be missed
so with or without your help,
i will surpass and outshine your sorry ass
and you will have a tough road to catch up

so you either learn from the legacy
or spend your contract
chasing after me, eating my dust

Saturday, September 29, 2012

this space has been neglected for so long
so, if you're with me...

exams were so damn stressed,
i turned to the biggest sin
it had taken a huge toil on me
but alas, it is over and i can heave a large sigh of relief

after which, i let loose and really just let my hair down
although things didn't go ahead as planned,
deep down, i'm kinda glad it didn't

i got to spend some quiet time with myself
just relaxing and getting to wind down
i also got to hang out with my newfound sim friends
which was beyond my wildest dreams
mind you, i didn't plan on making friends
yet i met this bunch of crazy laughing gang (:
i even went to malaysia with them
of course with bryan to be our tour guide,
leading the way and feeding me such awesome scrumptious food
i could hardly walk after the whole trip

i met up with the team and spent some quality time with them
having a farewell dinner for johan really brought me back to old times
and how we were all like a family
but enough of that sob story

met up with nicholas and joel
carmen and other sim classmates
super fun times! (:

i also got to spend more time with my beloved boyfriend
and he even surprised with a trip to uss
making him take all the adrenaline-pumping rides
and having his face smack into a flying bird was just downright funny!

now i'm winding down enough (it's a lie! it's never enough)
i realise i gotta start planning my time
and getting to some serious business
i can't just laze my break away (well, technically i can, but i shouldn't)
and i should either start working
or starting something else more productive than lazing around

but the time will come when it will happen
for now, i'm just counting down the days till jeremy returns to our homeland
all the way at australia with the many snake species, marsupials and whatnots
home is where he should be
and i miss him so

i've been verbalising this on every social/online media i have
and i'm not shy/afraid to do so here
(there is no such thing as overdoing it, for me at least)
so, HURRY BACK! I MISS YOU!!!

*insert heart*
(blogger will mess the text up cause it works on html and the "less than" symbol is shorthand for starting a new code)

GAHHH, feels good to get it all out
till next time, peace out!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

falling sick sucks
slacking prior to exams suck too
everything sucks

Monday, August 13, 2012

i'm craving a late night snack
but i also know i have to go sleep soon
otherwise i will not wake up in time for school
damn my body clock

Thursday, August 02, 2012

it has been such a long time since i've updated on this space. and this time i'm back because i need to get things off my chest and it will be incoherent, it will be messy (ie topics jumping back and forth with no links whatsoever), it will be grammatically incorrect, and it will be painful to read, to say the least.

joining the army has been something that's been in my life for as long as i can remember. there was a period of time when i actually didn't think about it and actually thought that i will pursue something else, something totally unrelated to the army and serving the nation. but then i entered jc, a step in my life that i believe changed me in a really big way. there, i slowly grew up and physically mentally and emotionally experienced what it is to grow up and start living in the real world. yes, you may think that i'm exaggerating and that i know shit about the real world. but we all perceive things differently, so get off my back. one day, there was a career talk, and what a surprise, i attended the army recruitment talk. there, they shared about all three branches of the military: the navy, air force and the army. from that moment on, i was sold. after that, i grew more and more determined to enter that force and do my part, however small it may be. however, from that day till now, i've met so more obstacles and "don't join the army la" than i can count. and as strong-headed as i am, i'm daunted and i'm crushed. so many people believe that i'm not cut out to be in the army, so many people shoot me down even before i was given the chance to try. there is nothing you can never get out of. nothing, except death. and to some, the army is a death sentence, but not to me. this is my dream we're talking about, it's my choice we're discussing. not yours and definitely not your life. yet all these people are forcing onto me their thoughts and beliefs. and so what if i'm not cut out for the army, so what if my perception of the army is not what it really is? let me go, let me learn, let me fail. so that i will know. and if i come out of my contract even more crushed and proving you right, i will be more the wiser. i'm not looking for a fairytale ending or a perfect scenario. i just want to do what i believe i want.

at the end of the day, i choose to put it behind me. i choose to not pursue it. i choose to put my future family, my future lifestyle before weeks of overseas operations and outfields and camou on. it will remain more of a fantasy than an actually goal.

ohkay, i lost all motivation to blog, wtf. shall end here.

Monday, June 18, 2012


To realize the value of ONE YEAR, 
ask a student who failed a grade. 
 
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, 
ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. 
 
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, 
ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. 
 
To realize the value of ONE DAY, 
ask the person who was born on February 29th
 
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, 
ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. 
 
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, 
ask a person who missed the train. 
 
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, 
ask a person who just avoided an accident. 
 
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, 
ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
-Anonymous
more on the value of time



everyone more or less knows this quote and it makes so much sense
time is so valuable and everyone of us knows it
yet there are more times where we disregard it or even ignore this fact
because we think that we have so much time
yet we do not and as hard as it is to fathom
we are going to turn to ashes sooner than you know it

we keep track of our time with calenders and schedules
we while away the "free days" and tell ourselves that time is not that limited
we idle around till the very last minute before we realise how far back we are
and then try to chase the lost time
but it is not unknown to anyone that it is an impossible task

i am a victim of this
i am a doer of this
i am a culprit of this

i while away my time
thinking that i am as free as a bird
and when deadlines creep closer
i don't budge
but when deadlines are just days away
i panic and scream, i blame and shout

similarly, i idle away my holidays
and rush through the weekends
and at the end of the day
i enjoy so little that it seems as though it's a waste of time
and i regret my actions

and when you love someone
there's never enough time
that is a very sad but true fact
so carpe diem as much as you can
don't let time waste a way

Monday, May 21, 2012

finally had some tauhuey this weekend
been thinking about it for the longest time,
but didn't have the time to go get some
and no, it's not due to the tauhuey craze going on right now
1) i've been craving it for the longest time (even before it got so popular)
2) i've been eating rochor tauhuey before all you "hipsters" knew about it
3) it reminds me of my granddaddy

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

jeremy and i at my friend's 21st birthday dinner

Monday, May 07, 2012

as much as i love my oakleys spectacles,
there are days when i feel more
old-red-plastic-ugly-betty-specs
and even though the power for the left lens is lower
for my old red ones
i still like that red funky pair
so i've decided to go get the specs tightened
along with my oakleys
so on days i wanna wear those red ones,
i will