it was so bad, it's the final straw

even my mom said, "how can someone be so dumb?"

and then she concluded that the person responsible of my misery and frustration

is doing all these "dumb acts" to spite me

well you succeeded didn't you?

but at what costs?

to fuck up your probation period?

to make yourself seem dumb?

to reflect badly on yourself?

to be seen as incapable of simple understanding and tasks?

well, if that's the case, so be it

my mom said that it could be because she feels threatened

and by being such a dumbass, it will reflect badly on, as your "teacher"

but then again, the others know my standards and my capabilities

so in the end, you're going to have to catch up

or face the inevitable of being named the dumb fuck who can't do her job

that is all fine by me, by the way

i'll be basking in my glory of awesomeness

while you get shamed and looked down on

i won't be the one staying in the company for long

be scared and worried, that's my heed to you

you want to waste your time,

that is your problem.

but don't you fucking dare to waste mine

i may be a temporary staff,

but i'm training you and i have things to teach you

so you better play by my rules

1) efficiency

- don't wait to be asked, deliver before it is needed

2) quality

- slipshod work is not an option

3) thorough

- even if you don't have the materials, get it (somehow) and deliver

4) surpass

- just right is for others, i provide the best

5) finish

- ensure that tasks are handed over and are closed with no loose ends

my goal is to do such a good job

that my presence will be missed

so with or without your help,

i will surpass and outshine your sorry ass

and you will have a tough road to catch up

so you either learn from the legacy

or spend your contract

chasing after me, eating my dust

this space has been neglected for so long

so, if you're with me...

exams were so damn stressed,

i turned to the biggest sin

it had taken a huge toil on me

but alas, it is over and i can heave a large sigh of relief

after which, i let loose and really just let my hair down

although things didn't go ahead as planned,

deep down, i'm kinda glad it didn't

i got to spend some quiet time with myself

just relaxing and getting to wind down

i also got to hang out with my newfound sim friends

which was beyond my wildest dreams

mind you, i didn't plan on making friends

yet i met this bunch of crazy laughing gang (:

i even went to malaysia with them

of course with bryan to be our tour guide,

leading the way and feeding me such awesome scrumptious food

i could hardly walk after the whole trip

i met up with the team and spent some quality time with them

having a farewell dinner for johan really brought me back to old times

and how we were all like a family

but enough of that sob story

met up with nicholas and joel

carmen and other sim classmates

super fun times! (:

i also got to spend more time with my beloved boyfriend

and he even surprised with a trip to uss

making him take all the adrenaline-pumping rides

and having his face smack into a flying bird was just downright funny!

now i'm winding down enough (it's a lie! it's never enough)

i realise i gotta start planning my time

and getting to some serious business

i can't just laze my break away (well, technically i can, but i shouldn't)

and i should either start working

or starting something else more productive than lazing around

but the time will come when it will happen

for now, i'm just counting down the days till jeremy returns to our homeland

all the way at australia with the many snake species, marsupials and whatnots

home is where he should be

and i miss him so

i've been verbalising this on every social/online media i have

and i'm not shy/afraid to do so here

(there is no such thing as overdoing it, for me at least)

so, HURRY BACK! I MISS YOU!!!

*insert heart*

(blogger will mess the text up cause it works on html and the "less than" symbol is shorthand for starting a new code)

GAHHH, feels good to get it all out

till next time, peace out!

falling sick sucks

slacking prior to exams suck too

everything sucks

i'm craving a late night snack

but i also know i have to go sleep soon

otherwise i will not wake up in time for school

damn my body clock

it has been such a long time since i've updated on this space. and this time i'm back because i need to get things off my chest and it will be incoherent, it will be messy (ie topics jumping back and forth with no links whatsoever), it will be grammatically incorrect, and it will be painful to read, to say the least.

joining the army has been something that's been in my life for as long as i can remember. there was a period of time when i actually didn't think about it and actually thought that i will pursue something else, something totally unrelated to the army and serving the nation. but then i entered jc, a step in my life that i believe changed me in a really big way. there, i slowly grew up and physically mentally and emotionally experienced what it is to grow up and start living in the real world. yes, you may think that i'm exaggerating and that i know shit about the real world. but we all perceive things differently, so get off my back. one day, there was a career talk, and what a surprise, i attended the army recruitment talk. there, they shared about all three branches of the military: the navy, air force and the army. from that moment on, i was sold. after that, i grew more and more determined to enter that force and do my part, however small it may be. however, from that day till now, i've met so more obstacles and "don't join the army la" than i can count. and as strong-headed as i am, i'm daunted and i'm crushed. so many people believe that i'm not cut out to be in the army, so many people shoot me down even before i was given the chance to try. there is nothing you can never get out of. nothing, except death. and to some, the army is a death sentence, but not to me. this is my dream we're talking about, it's my choice we're discussing. not yours and definitely not your life. yet all these people are forcing onto me their thoughts and beliefs. and so what if i'm not cut out for the army, so what if my perception of the army is not what it really is? let me go, let me learn, let me fail. so that i will know. and if i come out of my contract even more crushed and proving you right, i will be more the wiser. i'm not looking for a fairytale ending or a perfect scenario. i just want to do what i believe i want.

at the end of the day, i choose to put it behind me. i choose to not pursue it. i choose to put my future family, my future lifestyle before weeks of overseas operations and outfields and camou on. it will remain more of a fantasy than an actually goal.

ohkay, i lost all motivation to blog, wtf. shall end here.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, 

ask a student who failed a grade. 

 

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, 

ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. 

 

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, 

ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. 

 

To realize the value of ONE DAY, 

ask the person who was born on February 29th. 

 

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, 

ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. 

 

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, 

ask a person who missed the train. 

 

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, 

ask a person who just avoided an accident. 

 

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, 

ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

-Anonymous

more on the value of time

everyone more or less knows this quote and it makes so much sense

time is so valuable and everyone of us knows it

yet there are more times where we disregard it or even ignore this fact

because we think that we have so much time

yet we do not and as hard as it is to fathom

we are going to turn to ashes sooner than you know it

we keep track of our time with calenders and schedules

we while away the "free days" and tell ourselves that time is not that limited

we idle around till the very last minute before we realise how far back we are

and then try to chase the lost time

but it is not unknown to anyone that it is an impossible task

i am a victim of this

i am a doer of this

i am a culprit of this

i while away my time

thinking that i am as free as a bird

and when deadlines creep closer

i don't budge

but when deadlines are just days away

i panic and scream, i blame and shout

similarly, i idle away my holidays

and rush through the weekends

and at the end of the day

i enjoy so little that it seems as though it's a waste of time

and i regret my actions

and when you love someone

there's never enough time

that is a very sad but true fact

so carpe diem as much as you can

don't let time waste a way

finally had some tauhuey this weekend

been thinking about it for the longest time,

but didn't have the time to go get some

and no, it's not due to the tauhuey craze going on right now

1) i've been craving it for the longest time (even before it got so popular)

2) i've been eating rochor tauhuey before all you "hipsters" knew about it

3) it reminds me of my granddaddy

jeremy and i at my friend's 21st birthday dinner

as much as i love my oakleys spectacles,

there are days when i feel more

old-red-plastic-ugly-betty-specs

and even though the power for the left lens is lower

for my old red ones

i still like that red funky pair

so i've decided to go get the specs tightened

along with my oakleys

so on days i wanna wear those red ones,

i will

i have been called tomboy even before i was bored

but now, when people say i look like a boy,

i wanna punch them straight in the face

i think i am more affected that people comment i look like a boy

because of my short hair

i wanna punch them

and ask them to go suck my metaphoric balls

this is damn incoherent

doing everything else but what i need to do

fucking CAs

why do you exist?

just to watch me suffer?

went to timbre @substation last friday

and as usual 53A was playing (MEGA YAY!)

then someone requesting for "I Won't Give Up"

by jason mraz

i've heard it a few times, but somehow that day it was different

maybe it was sara's voice, or the way she sang it

or maybe it was because that was a special night with jeremy

(he had a 24hr shift duty the next day, so he only has that night out,

so he sacrificed sleep time to bring me to timbre. SO SWEET)

or maybe the stars aligned (what bullshit am i pulling?)

but anyway, the song tugged on my heart strings

and touched my heart

it was awesome

the lyrics are so meaningful

and every line and word and syllable

struck a chord and made sense to me

jason mraz is an amazing song writer

jeremy, i won't give up on you

or this relationship or us

no doubt it'll be tough

but i won't give up, that's for sure

i love you! (:

i watched The Vow on saturday with jeremy

and it got me thinking,

a lot in fact

how do people move on from such a traumatic event?

to not be able to remember what you built

and to lose a whole fragment of your past

to no longer be able to feel what you feel for someone

seeing your loved one just fade away into another being before your eyes

to feel like you lost that person forever (or till their memory comes back)

living in the fear of not regaining the memory

and doing everything you can in hopes of triggering something from the past

to not lose hope and not give up

to feel the helplessness of not being able to do anything

to just not be able to remember

seriously hating where i am now

i hate studying and the pressure is just fucking insane

i just want to live without having to care so much about a gawddamn paper

seriously, i want to move out of this society and just be me

this is bullshit

since the last time i posted a blog entry

many things happened and filled up my life

i celebrated my 20th birthday

and it is the best one yet

in no way am i making this a contest,

but every year i just get so happy during my birthday

and every year the celebrations make me realise just how lucky i am

on a sadder note,

i start school today

in an hour, my new school semester will commence

and i will hate it so bad

thank goodness for my friends and family

gahhh,

been lazing at home too much

i need something to do

but then again,

i'm altering my sleep cycle so bad

i sleep super late and end up sleeping my day away

and then i can't go out or meet friends

because i'll be sleeping

rawr

shall aim to go out on wednesday (today, i think)

and just shop around on my own

cause i'm a loner

and i can't do vigorous activities

fuck this shit

my results are out

should and could have done better,

but it's over for now

new semester starts in april

it's too soon

way too soon.

since i last posted, which has been a long time. many things transpired and here i am to tell you all about it mundane or not, it's for you to decide.

so i last blogged about how stressed i felt for the upcoming exams, or rather how pointless it all was/felt and how unmotivated i was. it was a chore to head out day after day to study, i chose to study out even if it drained all my savings because if i studied at home, the studying would never happen. and i did my best to focus on the task at hand, but ended up eating and drinking and people-watched more than i should have. in the end i felt really unprepared for the exams but i still did my best and won't not second guess myself when the results are released.

the feelings i felt for the exams were probably due to the fact that there wasn't sufficient time given to us this semester and we all just felt so swamped by the sheer amount of work loaded onto us in this short amount of time. and that might have lead up to the "you'll-still-do-badly-no-matter-how-hard-you-study" vibe and thus the lack of motivation. but i am my own creator of destiny and fate and so since it's over, whatever man.

after my last paper, i let loose and was finally able to relax and not give a heck about school and books and academics. well, at least for the next 3 weeks or so. the immediate weekends were spent with jeremy and it was fun. not too much happened.

then the first week was burnt with all the ak related stuff. had a camp training/briefing on monday and got ready for the upcoming days of camps before crashing onto bed. tuesday came and i headed out dark and early for a half-day camp. after that we (me and two other coaches) rushed a macdonalds lunch and cabbed over to ecp for the training/briefing for the next camp. the camp was a 3D2N camp that involves such a strenuous programme. we trained and trained to no end. having laughs and serious moments, it was bittersweet. dinner was a little painful for me. because of dietary habits and all that jazz. the nasi/mee goreng was so spicy i couldn't eat 3 mouthfuls without crying. i felt so weak and burdensome.

we all had a hard night sleeping what with all the aeroplanes flying over, and mosquitoes, and ships, and cold. when we woke we got ready to take on the camp and campers and make it awesome. walked more than 1km to get to our bus to find out the bus company got it wrong and sent us the smaller bus meant for <10 coaches. so all 24+ of us squeezed onto the minibus and left for the school

the camp in all was taxing and a true test of my abilities as a coach, and as a person. i've learnt some, gained some, taught some, loss some. in the end, i made an impact in at least one camper and for that i am satisfied.

after that, i met up with my canoeing team, well a few of the team, and we had a great time catching up. it is no doubt motivating and heartwarming to see this bond still kept and surviving. even though we've all moved on in our lives, all pursuing various different routes, enduring and experiencing trials and triumphs, the bond is there. after the gathering, a team mate texted me, saying that he is sad and worried that we will slowly drift apart. this is what i said to him:

we may have drifted apart and went on to chase a different dream, a different goal. we may not ever talk or meet up as much as we used to. but who can say that another person has gone through what we have gone through together? the pain, tears, sweat, and blood we shared and shed were common and thick between all  of us. the bond might loosen and fray but it will always be there. if we were ever thrown into a situation with only each of us, we will be able to get through it, because we've done it before, and though time has come between us, we can do it again. just like the skill to swim. you might have not swam for the longest time. but if i were to push you into a body of water, you will still manage to stay afloat. you might not be technically proficient or efficient but that can be trained up and honed again. so fear not.

after the meet up, i went for a movie with jeremy. we watch Act of Valour and i cried like a baby. it is indeed sad to see the sacrifices and pain families of men and women in the force. the mental and emotional struggles they go through as same as the men and women on the frontline is truly a test of faith and honour.

many a times, we take what we have for granted. we take the norm of our routines and imbibe into our psyche that it will and forever be. but let's not forget how we've all come this far, from our first baby steps, our first words and our first failures. those have shaped us and have brought us to where we are today. it is a daily fight to maintain the norm and to maintain the rigour of our lives. yet we tend to see this fight as the way to go. and when faced with new challenges and obstacles we ignore and worsen the problem or we just do what we are used to hoping it will just work and go away.

after this few weeks of my life, before my exams till today, i have found my drive and my pushing power. it is not the yesterdays or tomorrows that matter, but the todays. we may look back at our successes and failures and see where we have come from and how it has shaped us. but dwell we will not. we should focus all our energy on today so we can create a better future for ourselves, a future that we will be proud of, with no regrets.

super long post. read or not, i don't mind. have a nice day! (:

it's happening again

it's JC all over again

i've no appetite

yet i eat like on normal days

or sometimes more than on normal days

i can't sleep but i'm tired

my thoughts are erratic and incoherent

i am losing hope

and every single thing just seem

too mundane for me to care

it's happening again.

due to my poor attendance,

partly due to skipping lessons and also being late

i was issued a letter that i was not allowed to take my exams

but then prior to that, i made an appeal

and thus is able to bump my attendance up within the safe zone

now i'm just worried that the admin side is not sharing the info

and i might still be unable to take the exams

it's not helping that the examination entry slip

only comes out the day before my paper

ohhh fuckkk

in other news,

my CA results are in and i seriously expected all As

not because i'm cocky or being a smart alec

but because i sincerely feel that i deserved it

and have put in more effort this semester compared to the other semesters

but to get a B for microeconomics is just so disheartening

but what the heck,

i have to take what i'm given

exams around the corner

and i have zero motivation to study

it isn't helping that skinny is done with his

and is trolling around all day

just playing on his laptop and skyping his friends

sitting around all day and eating junk

AND STILL BE SO EFFING SKINNY

fml

should i regret chopping my hair off?

some days i do

i mean, it's so easy to fall back on my long hair

that even on bad hair days don't come close to the shit i have now

and it's so safe and easy

i don't even need to look in the mirror

and i know i don't look that bad, at least hair wise

so easy to pull it into a ponytail

or a braid or just let it down and blow in the wind

now, i wake up every morning

fussing over my train wreck of a hair

wishing it would just grow out long enough

for me to fuss less about

i need to do something about it

or i swear i will lose it

and chop it all off again

sudden motivation to get my old body back

after accompanying carr to her practise

now i just hope this motivation will last

good karma

i helped an ah ma on the bus

and then nice people kept popping up

one uncle drove me to a bus stop

cause i was walking in the rain in an industrial place

another was really when i was getting out of my seat in the bus

and then a lady held me when i was stumbling in the bus

with no hands available to hold any hand pole

or the hanging thingy

good karma is so awesome!

i remember surfing channels a few days ago

and they were showing the victoria secret's fashion show 2011

so i watched a bit

there was a part which followed a new model

and when she walked out i almost fainted

compared to vs angels like miranda kerr

this new model was so thin i could see her hip bones

it was just too ugly to watch

there are slim girls and then there are unhealthy-thin

and it's the second type that scares me

as semester after semester of school roll in

i get more and more restless of the days

it's so fucked up

i went to popular @ imm last friday

i went to get some paper for a mini personal project

and i found a pack of 250gsm paper

do you know how awesome that is?!

thick paper that comes in a pack and have simple colours like white

and does not have weird patterns or textures embossed in it

also not having a weird "come hither" perfume smell/scent

while queueing to pay for my pack of paper

i was browsing the books on the display

while still being in line

see picture below

orange crosses mark other customers in line

i'm the green cross

and the pink blob denotes the bitch

so i was in line browsing the books on the display

when this bitch comes up to me

and asks me in the rudest tone if i was in line

well, i apologise that i didn't receive the memo

that to be in line you have to be in the

i-can-smell-the-hair-of-the-person-before-me range

to qualify being in the line

FUCK YOU BITCH

so fucking bored

itching to own a car and drive

dying to move out and be on my own

can't wait for school to end

want more time with jem

argh, what's new?

the other day, i was at zara @ ngee ann city

and what took me by surprise was the staff

the staff stationed at the changing rooms were so rude

with bad attitude and a black face

if you choose to work in customer sales

don't fucking showing your bad attitude

WTF

on other notes,

i can't wait to move out

cause i want the freedom

and i want to be financially independent

i want to move out