my room is so messy

i try not to stay in there any longer than needed

the mess is such a puke-inducing heap

and when i need to stay in my room any longer than 5 mins,

i go in at night and turn off the lights

so i really need to pack my room

or at least attempt to

but there's so much to do

somebody help me?

ARGH!

or maybe i just need a bigger room

school's starting soon

thinking whether i should spend the money

for a new pencil tin

and a tumbler for the coffee/green tea i'll be drinking

but food&drinks not allowed in lecture theatre

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

saw a really cute one at artbox@ion

but the starbucks one more durable i think (?)

then there's the headband i kinda want

some new in-ear earphones

and then the bandeau top i want so i wont get such ugly tan lines

gahhh

money money money

there will be times when you feel like you are drifting away

away from those who you once were so close with

you were "attached to the hip" with them

but then now, you feel the distance

and the strain of holding a conversation

well, that's what life does to people

it sometimes pulls people in opposite directions

it sometimes pushes people together

but ultimately,

it's how you find your way back

despite all the differences and all the clashing schedules and obstacles

i am going through that now

with one of my friends

she might or might not read this

given her busy schedule

but if you do, bbgirl

please know this

i know i've become a whole different person in your eyes

but i guess my passion and drive for everything has died down

and given all this we have grown slightly more apart that i wanted

i hope we can kick back and go shopping or something soon

putting this behind us

till then, i'm still a text/call away

(:

some people just need to know when to BACK OFF

you might have been some random stranger

then someone who meant something to me

and then made me wanna push you away

whatever the reason,

whatever my reason,

you DO NOT have a bloody right

to make judgements about me

you are not making sense

ya know?!

a word of advice,

go and re-think about everything

then maybe you won't be so baffled

and then at the same time,

do me a huge favour and

fuck off

school is gonna start soon for me

and i have orientation coming up

for once in my nineteen years of life

i am dreading EVERYTHING

be it piano, driving or sports

i am just dreading doing/going through it all

i lost my drive in everything

don't even wanna attend orientation

just wanna quietly go by each day and finish school

so when you ask my "classmates" if they know a hazel

they'll be like, "who?"

that's my goal

or else, someone find me back my drive

cause i can't find it

i can't do it

how do you tell someone to back off

without seeming mean

and without all the drama that follows?

to do list:

1) get my green havaianas

2) get my BB casing

3) stop being so lazy

EDIT/

i did get my green havaianas

YAY!!!

and i did get a BB casing

yay!!!

but i'm still lazy as hell

BOO!!!

training driving training piano going out

training driving training piano going out

training driving training piano going out

WANT those green havaianas

WANT to sell off my almost-brand-new havaianas

WANT to get my gawddamn bloody license

WANT to finish my piano dread

WANT those earphones

WANT to go shopping for comfy cotton bras

WANT those green vans

WANT more denim shorts

WANT some men's shirts

WANT to buy more simple dresses

WANT me some booze and party

WANT to see that flashing blue light

why do i even bother

fighting this losing battle

for all the potential i see

for everything i believed in

for the traditions and legacy that is worthy

but i am the only one

i am the only one

disappointment

and i feel like such a failure

i am so tired

yet i can't sleep

thousand and a million things

just flying around and driving me to insanity

i don't think we should even think of anything

at this time, at this juncture

whatever that should happen

will happen

so just for now

for this moment in our lives

just let me go

cause i let you go,

when i said goodbye

on a lighter note,

i love rainy days

(:

so then life brings about many different experiences

some that are eventful and life-changing

others you wished didn't happen to you

for me, i went through one that was both

at first (and actually till now), i questioned the indisputable universe

why it happened to me, despite my efforts

and why the universe was torturing me and putting me through it all

then the aftermath of it all just made me realise just who are those who care

and also, how guilt can bring me such pain

till now i wonder why it all happened and if there were to be a different outcome

how it would have been and how i would have taken it

many people are telling me that this is all a huge painful but nonetheless meaningful lesson

and although i want to agree with them and take it in my stride

i can't

for the fact that it is not a lesson

i didn't learn anything from this

and if i were able to go back in time

i would have altered this part of y history so i never have to go through this

and put my loved ones through this either

it was truly a heart-wrenching episode in my life

all's cast in stone,

at least for this interval in my life

horrid few hours, guilt forever