i am super tired

super super exhausted

sleep is an escape

sometimes i just want to shut off my brain

and go ahead with it blindly

i know deep down i still don't want it

no matter how logical it is

i just don't want to do it

deep down i still feel trapped and suffocating

sometimes i just want to give up trying

i want to harbour hope and wait

it's so hard to just ignore

the screaming reminders everywhere

i amfuckingconfused

THANK YOU BABE!!!

(:

i rarely ever fall sick

but when i do,

it is always really bad

the times are so rare,

i can remember each episode clearly

how terrible i felt

now, i'm down with everything

all at once

i feel very unwell that i wanna cut school

and sleep it all off

but it ain't gonna happen

):

here's to sucking it up

shit and all

you stole my heart

then gave it back

we transcended;

in parallels

our paths never-cross

barely a week's past

my life is slowly turning out to suck more than ever

i've lost more than one love

it's a battle i have to face alone

no nothing anyone can do to help

silence have never felt so deafening

but this time,

i may walk out; beaten

one wrong step?

what will it take?

spoke to my mommy

i realised how well she knows me

how much she loves me

my parents really are quite something

they can be so infuriating at times

but at this moment,

they really do respect my decision

they really understand me

i really appreciate that

even though i was mentally willing my mom not to tell my dad

i know she will, i mean, i am their kid, not just my mom's

so well, i thought he would blow his top

be all hard on me, like he always is

since he IS a traditional chinese man

but wow, to my amazement, he didn't

he even spoke to gently and nicely to me

asking if i wanted tuition

to that i declined

but he didn't act out like he'll always do

just said, ohkay if i need anything i can just tell them

all i say/think/feel, WOW

i just hope they won't be too disappointed at the end of the day

MY DECISION IS MADE

i am really set on my decision

you let one person ruin your life

more or less

and you bring it onto others

just need to tell my parents

spreading the vicious sadness

but i guess they won't agree?

what is wrong with you?

or at least carry the same opinion as mka?

i don't know you anymore

then i'm done for

are you considered a destructive friend?

gotta suck it up

):

words have been going around

i won't be a smartass and assume it's me the words are aiming at

but let me just state my stand since we are on this matter

i do not think that your view is right at all

you got the self-righteous angle right,

and actually, that's all you have

i don't need to be a sitting duck

i don't need your pity, no one asked for it

and who are you to call it pathetic

for all i know, my plan is a good plan,

it might take a longer time

but it might turn out that you'll be bloody working for me

so just shut your trap if you don't know what you know

i have a goal

and i will got to it

it might take more effort, many restarts

it might take a longer time, and many unorthodox methods

BUT I WILL GET IT DONE

so really, just fuck off

wow, i feel like a reject

words can be so powerful

need not be spoken in your face

i guess i really should just fuck off

head pounding

heart throbbing

head spinning

heart wrenching

it's just too much

it's just too much

it's just too much

suffocating;

i don't get how people like to use my sports against me

yeah, i get the apply-the-same-fighting-spirit part

but i DO NOT get the canoeing=academia part

it's just all bullshit

i'm damn sorry i am not an all-rounder,

doing well in both areas

if so, i will not be in where i am today

so please,stop shoving in my face my sport

if it were the same,then EVERYONE can study/do sports

totally DIFFERENT fields of skills alright?

INCOHERENT RANT

6o; now down to 50

suck balls

after just one session of training,

i am sore and aching everywhere

):

i doubt anyone ever reads this space anymore

showering in cold water burns calories

or so my brother said

lydia tang, pact ar

i will get my abs back;

one way or another

my holiday job will consist of me

1) maintaining tan

2) returning rock-solid & firm

3) keeping active

HELL YEAH

it's like i'm something against my will

it's as though i'm doing it even though i hate it

this is no longer a matter of whether i can suck it up and go ahead with it

this is no anymore about how strong my will power is

this is about doing it even though i will hate my entirety for as long as i remember

this is about sticking my foot forward even when i know what it all means