today's training was "bitter sweet"

did doubles with ernest

and it was one of those i pushed so much i wanna quit moments

really was going past my max that my arm was about to drop off

and i was breathing so hard i wanted to hyperventilate

"come on!last 30seconds!UP UP UP!!!"

i spam pokka green tea like i used to spam coffee

without my green tea,

i will experience withdrawal symptoms

i am beyond hope

just wednesday, my SHORTEST day

and i drank 3 bottles

OH.MY.GAWD.

do i know what i want?

a simple question

ask a kid and it'll be so innocent and simple

you think to yourself,

why does life have to be so complicated?

i've been running away all this while

knowing is one thing

but actually facing up to the challenge is another

nothing has been as much as an anchor in my entire 17 years

i can't stop lying to myself that it will all work out

and that i still have time,

well i don't

the years will fly by like seconds

and soon, i'll be looking back at 65

reminiscing about the past

i really hope i can look back and smile

and not look back and tear in regret and despair

i need to get my act together

and that means to know what i want

i've been screwing my life over and over again

so much so that i've lost ALL direction and goals

i don't know what i want in life

what i want outta myself

if i were an ice cream flavour

i'll be the most boring one of all

tasteless and dull looking

i need to get my life back

but honestly,

i don't know how

"dreams are miracles;

for they need not be said,

they need not be heard,

and they need not be translated"

- Hear Me, 听说 (2009)

the above quote is not very accurate

but i just write down what i remember

life is getting harder now

and i'm just a student

sometimes i think if i'm cut out for jc

then i think further

and ponder that maybe i'm not cut out for growing up

at this time and age,

i still am not acting like how i should

doing the reckless

and dreaming the impossible

it's time to grow up

and i have to stop daydreaming

and start putting my life into perspective

or i will die trying

with every stroke;

i push harder

with very pull;

i get more aggression

and with every kick;

i surge forward, forward for the team

this past week

was eventful and downright in the middle

bad/negative things happened

as well as shitass awesome shitz

so i guess it balanced out

although scm has finally come to a close

i feel that i have yet to reach a closure

but i will have to soon

as training is picking up in another direction

i've gotta say,the upcoming few months are gonna just zoom by

i really hope i can make it

and that i don't do anything to jeopardize the team's effort

it's FULL STEAM AHEAD BABY!

no way am i going to see the p

i have no idea what i'm doing

i'm freaking screwing up my life

and yes; i like to dig my own grave

-.-

how could you?!

it has to remain exclusive bitch

on a lighter note;

i had TWO mocha iceblended

finally it is over

although i didn't do as bad as some others did

i will say i totally felt the pain and anguish they felt

being a team really has taught me feel so much differently

i feel so connected with them,

it's as though i feel and see the events through their eyes and heart

the pain/regret/sadness/anguish was surging through me

i couldn't even be happy

it was really heart-wrenching

and the fact that i couldn't do anything to make it better

killed me inside

coach said he expected better,

and i knew i could have done better

there is a lot of "what if"s and "if i had"s

i really wanted to make them proud

i never wanna feel this crappy feeling again

i never want any of them to feel this crappy again

we will work hard to not feel this again

because i have faith

our limit is limitless

THIS IS IT BABY

from tears to cheers

fears and nerves

the day has come and i believe

i believe we as a team will get what we all want

cause we'll put in our all

not our best, but our all

because our limit is limitless

spoke to my elder brother

helped me for awhile

but i'm really not strong enough

no one to talk to

SCHOOL IS DISGUSTING

and the above statement is an UNDERstatement

seriously, just kill me now

all the teachers are already telling us that year is gonna whizz by like lightning

and we all gotta put our best foot forward

and just totally work hard like fucked up crazys

but then, how to have starting burst

when i can't even balance?

surprisingly,

i'm quite motivated for GP

guess it's kudos to my ST

let's just see how long it'll last

i'm gonna spend a bomb on awesome stationery

to motivate me to work hard

or at least put in effort

looking forward?

not really

the hectic crazy stressed

scared shitless year

is here and here to stay and torment

at least year 2s don't have to keep changing classrooms

and getting lost

i'm just hoping i'll stay sane

today was supposed to be a relatively good day

but...

no blackberry

and no vans

it's ohkay,

i'm not very bummed about it anymore

it's just another 356 days

dreams are as far as the horizon

ambitions are as barren as the abandoned

the need for these familiar places

the beauty is strength on its own

strength masked by it's sheer beauty

looking at anything that is remotely canoe related

and my heart starts pounding

i swear, i will die before it comes

don't come please

cause i don't wanna let them down

I LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE THEIR MOTHERS says:

(12:48:02 AM)

sadly, our society is after a mad paper chase

newsflash!

i think my mommy noticed my new piercing

unless she's blind

cause she just shoved the phone

in my ear

which is swollen and hurting like fuck

yeah, screw this

like you all care, right?

favourite singer on youtube!!!

gabe bondoc!

he is the bomb! (:

i really don't wanna go school

should i just quit school?

this is dumb fuck

i think i slept on my new piercing

now it's like swollen and aching

and it's giving me an insane headache

fuck

too tired to do anything

too tired to bother

in fact;

i'm too tired to realise

how far you are from me

till now

countdown?

i don't need to countdown

it's staring me in the face

are you gonna finish strong?

always writing here

cause i know hardly anyone reads

fuck fuck fuck

my favourite line:

fuck, screw this

i think i will just post

whenever i feel like it

more words

cause pretty pictures are hard to find

i must like it

and the message it is trying to convey

oh yeah, i wanna take up photographer

cut the overrated-ness

and get those pretty pictures i have build up in my head

(:

i wanna walk at night

when the city sleeps

and when the only lights are the street lamps

so when i smile

no one sees

and when i cry

no one knows

now it's just me against the world

how awesome is that

something triggered all the negativity to rush out

and i guess i was a complete train wreck

regarding the math paper,

well, it'll all be known soon

as for the rest

i can assure i won't be myself anytime soon

but i'm getting better

for now, i just wanna nurse my wounds

and pray that my life don't continue spiraling outta control

for those who i disappointed,

all i can say is extremely sorry

crying like a kid

will my parents comfort me?

it's not like i don't see them

i do, but we rarely talk

like heart-to-heart talks

i guess it's a two-way thing

i admit i push them away

but they don't really try to talk to me either

haa, so it's all our fault?

my two thighs are dotted with bruises

it honestly looks like i've been beaten

but i don't think my parents noticed

and i'm waiting to see how long my mom

notices my new piercing

so far,she claims she noticed my piercing very soon after i got it

but half the time, i exposed them that's why she noticed

not like she really went to go notice it

if you get what i mean

i am 99% confident that i'm not an angsty teen

but i really find moments where i just can't wait to escape

from my home and this pathetic life

my dream of an escape is the beach

so far, it has proved to me that it is a magical place

i always feel that it's able to soothe me

rain or shine, i'd wanna go down

at times, when i'm down

and the beach is wet and cold

after a rain or during a drizzle

i feel as though i'm not alone

and i can be myself

the true me

baring my emotions and be sad without having to be judge

i've always wanted to prove myself to someone

be it my brother, my mother, my daddy, other people

it has be so draining i lose myself

what am i doing

ain't my life supposed to be about me?

i feel like i can never satisfy people

i am never good enough

the chinese have a saying

there is always another mountain that is taller

meaning, there is always someone better

but i am never the better one,

nor am i the one to be compared

i know there are people out there thinking

what the fuck is she talking about

she is better than me and she thinks she's trash

so what am i?

don't lie, i know what you're thinking

well, all i gotta say

you go through your shit

and i go through mine

people have a tendency to compare their misery with others

some will feel that others are worst off

some will feel they themselves are forever worst off

i don't know how to help you

cause i myself am going through my own breakdown

i feel exactly like the girl in the photo

i'm screwing up my life

i don't even know what i'm doing with my life

i honestly wanna quit school

you know, when my parents ask me if i like studying

i don't even ponder about the question like i always so

i just say what is right on my mind

and i answered no

all my pathetic 17 years alive

i've never succeeded in anything

i don't do too badly in things

but not good enough to excel and be extremely at it

be it studies/dance/piano/drama/sports

and now, i'm finally a little better at something

i'm clinging on to it like it's my life

but i know i am nowhere good enough

and i feel so many obstacles in front of me

i just can't seem to command enough courage/strength to get pass it

i feel like i'm at my wits' end

i don't know what i wanna do with my life

i seriously don't know

if i don't study

where am i gonna get money

in this world, it's no money no talk

and without money where is my life gonna be

how do i support my parents

how do i even support myself

don't talk to me about being like one of those success stories

i am not rich, with parent's backing

nor am i set on what i believe can be a success

neither am i a genius

so where do mere mortals like me stand

are we not forced to conform into studying/working robots

just so we can secure a stable livelihood

it's 4am in the morning

and i have a math re-exam in 4 1/2 hours

i have not studied for it

and i have cleaned my head of anything math related

i'm just going cause i have to

otherwise i might just be stopped from doing what i wanna

if only i could say fuck,screw this

but alas, i can't

i am a nobody

i don't even know what i've ended up like this

when i was young,

i had so many dreams and goals

but gradually as i grew up

i lost sight of these dreams

because reality can be so cruel

and it showed me how limited i am

how impossible these dreams are

i guess they are called dreams for a reason

no one can capture dreams

because they are intangible

they are not really existent

it's just made up in our heads when we are unconscious

work undone

mind unset

it's practically a scream revelation

that i'm FUCKING SCREWING UP MY LIFE

haa, and here i am rambling

about how sucky my life is

no one reads this crap

much less my random rambling

gawd! i'm pathetic

it's so hard to type when you can't see proper

i thought chocolates are supposed to make you happy

crying alone sucks

ignore me

oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän|nouna figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction

you are an oxymoron

today sucked

i swear

so near; yet so far

you don't look;

you see

no parties for me

dislike the scene

need to get me head in the game

when i grow up

i wanna have cute adorable babies!

that is, if i find a man

just when i thought i saw the light

i got sucked back into the thick dark treacherous forest

this year, i hope to find the light

once again

for now, let the sun be my warmth

and the wind my gentle touch

if i could,

i'll make my bedroom my ultimate fortress

protected from all hurt and pain

played

fluxx

taboo

the game of life

"...get a life"

you all should play it sometime!

looking at the majestic beauties

mother nature has for us

and we all seem so small

against the wonders of the world

alpine glaciers

desert

a new year

and it rained

had fun at xixi's place with all the seniors

(:

i'm bored at home