GPP without the guys

plus ah-belle

look at the open mouth (qianmei)

& oh look (amanda)

& "twist" (cindy)

& half face (isabelle)

one word says it all

failure

a new week

a new beginning

taking a deep breathe,

ready to put my first foot forward

for this is a new start

and i'm prepared to do whatever it takes

to make it work

note to self:

i resolve to swear less this week

"have confidence, girls"

mr ang will never fail to drill this into our heads

when the girls hit the water

and it really is true

the guys are improving so fast in to water

because they have something we don't

not the balls,but confidence

and i'm working to built it up

cause phobia is a habit you can't kick in a day or two

working towards a target helps you keep on track

keeps you in check of yourself

so what i want,

i will achieve

4th team medal,

a far-fetched dream for now

but a possiblity in the days to come

with more trainings,

more confidence

and more faith,

we will push through

and achieve the impossible,

the unthinkable

or we die trying

after yesterday,

i realised i've been holding back some extreme emotions

some negative emotions that i have been holding back

-and some still feel i'm all negative

if i had released all these negativity

what will you call me?-

do you think it's fair?

doing gpp now

stressed to the max!

thinking of new ideas in such a fixed constrain is so....

HARD!

all i can say is

i'm not doing my best

there's so much more to achieve

and so little time

get outta my life

cause i don't need shit like you in my life

things are so utterly wrong

i am spending absolutely ZERO time with ash

and it's killing them

i feel so useless

cause i'm just so caught up

with canoeing,drama,work

and whatever free time i have i spend resting or doing work

CRAPS,DOUBLE CRAPS

CRAPASODY-RHAPASODY!

whatever.whatever.whatever.whatever

it's not only you

it takes two hands to clap

so don't keep seeing yourselves as the victims

pot calling the kettle black

"bonds are forged in good times,

and strengthen during bad times

in pain and suffering"

-Mr Ang

we've got a long way to go

and only one chance

what are we gonna go?

prepared for a hard time

now with exams coming up

canoeing expectations and goals

the drama camp

ARGH!

i need a timeout!

i am screwed;

what with all the thinking and maximizing my brain cells

i'm dying

and i'm so behind on my work

i am pig;

yesterday was a really __________ day for me

training was rather wasted for me

cause i couldn't get the direction right, which really pissed me off

and my strokes weren't even half good

kicking was off the list as balance was well, just. not. there.

land was rather alright

then came the punishments,

i admit i did give up

and i'm remorseful about it

i'll pay it back

the cleaning of the sehd took us an hour i think

and the amount of dirt,dust,whatever really shocked the beejizels outta me

after that the whole group of us including the seniors went to timah for "lunch"

(what'd you call lunch at 4?)

then it's home sweet home for me and a few

the bur ride home with junyang(senior)was awkward

after the shower,i just hit my bed

i woke up a few times but jut kept on sleeping till 2.30 in the night

the clap of thunder woke me up and then i just couldn't sleep

i did some work then went back to sleep till now

it feels like i just caught on with part of the sleep that i missed

but who really cares?

it was PIG-ISH behaviour

i've been wavering these days

being all fine and loser-ish in a matter of seconds

and i'm sorry for worrying people that care for me

i guess it'll be this way for awhile

i guess i still have to let myself get used to all this

but it'll all go away

i'm sure of it! (:

today's funny event:

me walks into school,into the canteen,towards the canoeing table

joseph: hi hazel! oh my what happened??

me:(still sleepy)huh?what what happened?

joseph: your arm is bleeding!

me:(looks at arm,abrasion wound has bled and dripped down half my lower arm)oh!

(runs to sink)

HAHAHA!!!

blur-pokes seh me

finally,a laugh for the day

went to mustafa today after training

to buy deoderant;

i bought THREE cans!

and insecticide and dettol detergent for tomorrow's BIG CLEARUP

tired like mad!

sigh;whatever la

since you drew such a clear line

then so. be. it.

i'm so bloody hungry

but am too busy and tired to eat

gosh;

i feel like am a loser

every bloody training

i find myself disappointing the shit outta me

questioning myself why i didn't do well

why i didn't push through and complete the training to my satisfaction

what's the point in crying over spilt milk or feeling sorry for myself

i hate this loser feeling

i hate being such a weakling

screw you hazel!you're a disappointment!

sometimes people just don't thin properly

why can't they look at the bigger picture?

there are others WORST OFF

and can still provide

there are people in the SAME situation

and can still provide

so think people,

don't be so bloody selfish!

and well,

not everyone has to be nice to you

so please,

do some self-reflection

stuck in a realm of self-pity

it's just so exhausting trying to get out

it's a constant cycle

when i am climbing out

another boulder hits me

and i fall back down again

i wanna walk away

bloodyfuck,iamsucidal

it's broken!

i freaking disappointed myself

and all that held hopes for me

why am i so lousy?

can someone tell me how to do better?

bloodyhell,iameffingscrewedup

judgement day

it's make it or break it

and i feel no ounce of confidence

not of it

weakness,the only thing flowing through me right now

ihopeicanmakeit